thinking about an ex in a dark way?

i used to write music, and i used to be pretty damn good at it, but sometimes when you finally have something to write about you can't any more. You can't even think about the things your not writing about. You cant even close your eyes because it finally reminds you of the life you have led, you start to hate and start to loose pity, but its all pointless because you realise, and this is the biggest lesson that i have ever had to learn in adulthood, infact even in childhood . ''you can't make everyone love you'' and its so true , as its one thing you have to learn. Sometimes relationships break up, and you feel angry, but you can't go forcing something if its just not right. In my experience theres always some nagging feeling in the back of your mind, that something isn't right. The second you feel that , you cant see the world the same ever again. Because you know, you know that its over and nothings going to be right until youve left. I wont lie, sometimes i do think back, but all i cnan see is pity and hate, pity at myself for not seeing it sooner, and hatred towards a man that broke my heart.

so how do you got over this feeling? well for me i started by fantasising about them dying, about them getting run over, getting killed by having a house dropped on them. but then you start to realise , you dont really want them to die, you just can't bear for them to be happy again, you cant bear to see the look on their face, that smug happy look, so you come up with plans to wipe their face off, then suddenly you just stop, you meet someone new and then all those feelings dissapear, i mean i wont lie, you still plan to punch them, but you never would, because you dont CARE , and thats the important break through

Facination, obsession with killing someone/making them pay, is just a back of the mind thing. its a dark hobbie that helps you grieve for something.

meh

theres something wierd about sitting here watching very badly designed us drama seris es waiting to pass out at my pc, why am i doing this? i don't know. I'm 19 now and i'm starting to realise the truly nothingness that is the point of creation, it seems to be a pointless 9 to 5 job for as long as you can bear, then urgh nothing.
I suppose its better than the people who believe a job is benieth them, those who complain but never change.

I'd almost forgotton that this blog existed, ok so i admit it i have totally forgot up to this very second when i wanted to create a fashion blog , because for some reason the idea of posting an outfit every day intregues me for some reason. I guess i am a fashion girlie at heart, even though i guess i dont show it much.

I have another b12 injection today at 3, this is my second one , and i have to have them forever , urgh. but i guess im glad that its going to make me feel better, anything is an improvement to what im feeling at the moment.